Orange Rhino Challenge: Day 1

Have you heard of the Orange Rhino challenge?

Basically, a mom of four boys felt guilty that she yelled at her kids so often. So she decided to challenge herself to no yelling for 365 days.

As part of the challenge, she first defines what yelling is and then tracks her yelling for a week (looking for her triggers).

Superman doesn't think I yell too much. But I'm uncomfortable with the amount of yelling I do. And really, her blogpost about 10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids really hit home with me...(I cried while reading it). Especially 5. Yelling doesn't work. Because as good as it can feel to let all of my frustration out in that moment, it rarely actually works, usually makes the situation worse (i.e. kid collapses into crying fit on the ground), and/or just makes me more mad and/or guilty feeling.

So I am taking the challenge.

I started yesterday, Wednesday March 27, 2013.

I didn't yell all day.

Since starting the challenge almost 24 hours ago, I have twice stopped myself from yelling.

The first time was during dinner last night. Neither of my boys like sitting at the dinner table. They like to stand up. And bounce around. And dance pirouettes. And constantly run to the bathroom.

Usually I'll ask them to "please sit down" an average of three times before I start yelling. Last night I was able to mostly keep them in their seats by using the veiled threat of "You know, the first thing you have to do in a karate class is learn to listen to your teacher. Because you can't learn karate if you aren't a good self-manager and do what the teacher asks you to do when they ask you to do it." (They really want to take karate lessons.) It mostly worked.

Then, this morning was going really well until Thing 1 spilled his cup of orange juice all over the coffee table. The spill itself isn't what bothered me. Spills happen. It was that he didn't clean up the spill. He let it sit there as I asked him over and over again to get a towel and clean it up (while I was making my own breakfast and packing my lunch in the kitchen). Finally the alarm went off to get jackets and backpacks on for the bus, so I ended up toweling up the spill while telling him how disappointed I was that he didn't take responsibility and clean up his own spill. He wasn't phased by this at all.

I was proud of myself that I didn't yell "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! YOU HAVE SAT ON THAT COUCH FOR 5 MINUTES LOOKING AT THAT SPILLED JUICE! GO GET A TOWEL AND CLEAN IT UP NOW!!!" But I'm not proud that in the end he still didn't clean up his spill or have any degree of responsibility for his action.

This is really what I see to be my biggest obstacle to overcome. I yell because my kids don't listen. I yell because I get frustrated and angry when I feel like they ignore me. But HOW do I get them to listen?? While I'm trying to stop yelling, I really need to find ways to get them to be better listeners.

Because really, it is not that hard to clean up a little spilled juice. I really don't feel like I'm asking too much of my 5 year old to clean it up himself.

Countdown!

It's official! A little over a month until we take the boys to Disney for the first time!

Bad Mom Confession

The morning started out fine.

A typical Monday morning, no one wanted to get up after two days of sleeping in.

Mommy Dearest

Thing 2, usually the more difficult of the two to get up, got up and going with just a little resistance. I smartly got him motivated to get ready by reminding him that it was his sharing day at school (basically show and tell, but the teacher gives them a theme of what to bring in).

Thing 1, usually the easier to rouse of the two, kept trying to crawl back under the sheets. I had to physically dress him myself with him pulling against me. Once he was dressed, I sent him off to brush his teeth, while Thing 2 and I headed to the basement to find a sphere, a cube, a cylinder, and a cone. (Yes, I really should have taken care of this this weekend, but I forgot. Bad mom move #1.)

When we came upstairs, we put Thing 2's items in his book bag and I quickly got on his coat, hat, and gloves (of course it was freezing this morning!). Again, he is usually the harder of the two to do these tasks, so I was pleased it was going so quickly.

But then all hell broke loose! Thing 1 was crying hysterically in the bathroom "But I didn't brush my teeth yet." (P.S. I had left him in the bathroom with instructions to brush his teeth BEFORE we had headed downstairs on our shapes' scavenger hunt.)

I snapped! "Why didn't you brush your teeth? Fine, I'll brush your teeth for you. I dressed you like a baby. Now I'll brush your teeth like your a baby. Are you a baby or a big boy? You should be doing this stuff for yourself."

Of course then he is crying. (Bad mom move #2.)

We leave the bathroom and I am fervently trying to get his coat and hat and gloves on him. Of course I'm having to put them on for him, because he is crying because I basically called him a baby. :(

Then just as we are heading to the door, we see the school bus...drive by.  Grrr!

So, me, worst mom ever turns to Thing 1 and says "Great! Now you made us miss the bus!" So his sniffling cry turns into FULL BLOWN HYSTERICS!

GOD, I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!

I go out and start the car. (Which at this point he is sobbing uncontrollably because he thinks I'm leaving him.)

Then I come back in and tear around the house getting the rest of my stuff together for work, so I can drop them at school on my way to work.

With my jacket on, purse on my arm, lunch box in my hand, I look over at my son and think "My god, what have I done?"

I sit down on the couch and ask him to come to me. We hug and I say "I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. Of course you aren't a baby. And it's not your fault we missed the bus. It's mommy's fault because I should have gotten you up earlier. I am just frustrated and I'm taking it out on you. But I'm not really frustrated with you. Do you understand." He nods his head, but of course he doesn't.

"I love you so much. And I'm so sorry I was being mean. Sometimes mommy gets frustrated and loses her temper and can be mean. I really hate that about myself. Do you forgive me." He nods his head and hugs me tighter.

And I feel like the worst person ever because I KNOW what I do. I know I have a temper. I know I handled the situation badly and even though I've apologized, I can't erase what I've already said. I can't erase that he (and my other son) saw my behavior. I don't want them to learn to act that way. I don't want them to inherit my temper and my ability to fly off the handle.

But, I guess the silver lining (to me at least) is that I am big enough to see my faults and #1 apologize for them and #2 admit them to my sons. I hope that I am teaching them that you have to apologize when you hurt someone and you have to own up to your bad behavior. I just hope that rubs off on them more than my actual bad behavior.

My Superman

So, I was up early this morning and reading through my google reader, I came across this blog post 10 Reasons Father CAN Be Referred to As Babysitters.

My Superman

Now, I've been following this blog Scarymommy: An Honest Look at Motherhood, for a while now. And usually most of the posts are sarcastic and/or humorus. So I'm just going to hope that for this guest blogger's sake that this blog is tongue and cheek and that she doesn't really mean most of what she says. Because really, who could be married to much a "man"? It seems more like someone describing leaving an older child to watch the kids, not a spouse...an equal partner.

And then I have to remind myself that not everyone's marriage is like my own. And not everyone has the same expectations out of a marriage that I do. Because I can tell you, if I were married to that guy, I'd be divorced.

But we all make our own decisions. And whenever I read blogs like this, I'm more thankful than ever that 6 years ago I chose Superman to by my husband. Maybe he's not the best communicator, and not the most romantic, but he is an AMAZING dad! And he does laundry, and dishes, and vacuums, and changes the oil and fixes the plumbing. We truly are equal partners in this marriage. And I could not imagine anything less.

Glass half full?

So, I saw one of those "Had Enough Vote Republican" signs this morning that had "Had" covered with "Dumb". And I thought "hey, that isn't nice..."

So I was thinking...

I love lots of Democrats and lots of Republican. I don't consider any of them bad. Or dumb. (Well, okay, maybe some...on both sides, but maybe not dumb, maybe just uninformed/uneducated. Educated with a small "e" not a big "E").

So I started thinking: What is the major difference between the Democrats and Republicans I know?

And I think I have it figured out.

Half full or half empty?

Most of the Democrats I know are optimists.

They think people are generally good, and that people using welfare just need some help and won't abuse the system.

They think that God and Jesus love us and aren't out to smite us at every turn.

They think that universal health care is to protect us and care for us, not to sentence us to death panels.

They trust that women will make the right decisions when given the choice.

They think love is love and that just because someone loves differently than them, doesn't mean every one else is going to go to hell in a hand basket.

They trust that teachers and school systems will take resources given to them and make the best decisions with only the welfare of our children forefront in their mind.



And most of the Republicans I know are pessimists.

They think people are generally going to take advantage of the system when given the opportunity. 

They think that God and Jesus are great punishers and that we are all going to hell for our sinful ways.

They think that universal health care is a scheme to kill off old people and deny people the care they need.

They think that giving women access to abortion and/or birth control is going to destroy our population because no one will get pregnant, and when they do they'll just go have an abortion.

They think that legally allowing gays to love one another will affect every one else's family.

They think that teachers are lazy and won't really work unless we force them by having mandatory check ups (standardized tests).


Don't look at the issues... take your own personal feelings out of it for a second. And just examine the polarity of each idea. It seems to me (admittedly a Democrat) that it's not about someone being dumb or not. It's not about whether they love god enough or are a "real America". It seems that Democrats just seem to be a little more optimistic about the world and Pollyanna about the people in it. And Republicans just seem to be a little more pessimistic about the world and Schopenhauer about the people in it.

So maybe if we can think of one another as optimists and pessimists, instead of idiots and assholes...maybe we can all just get along!

Or at least quit putting one another down. :(

It's my choice

I'm sick of all this rhetoric surrounding abortion that focuses in on exceptions for rape and incest, because the fact of the matter is the majority of women I know have admitted to me that they, at one point in their life, have had an abortion, and not one of the women I personally know told me it was a result of rape or incest. 

Yes, women and girls who are victim of rape and incest sometimes end up pregnant and sometimes that pregnancy will end in an abortion. And those women should be protected. No questions. However, I feel like this defense always subtly implies that those are the only truly valid and legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy. I believe in my heart that there are many, many, many legitimate reasons to terminate. #1 Because the pregnancy is detrimental to the mother's health and/or puts the mother's life at risk. #2 Because there is something very wrong with the baby. #3 The mother isn't financially, emotionally, or mentally capable of having the baby. #4 The mother simply doesn't want to have a/another child. (And I'm sure plenty other good reasons I don't even know about.)

Let me be very frank: I have had two abortions. I had one in the Spring of 1995 when I was 16 years old. And because not only was I young and dumb enough to think it "can't happen to me", I was young and dumb enough to think lightening wouldn't strike twice...so I had another one in the Spring of 1996 when I was 17 years old.

Many pro-life activists insist abortions are unhealthy for women because they affect their mental health due to living with terrible regret and guilt for the rest of their lives. Let me make this clear: I do not, and have never regretted my abortions. I did not regret them when I graduated high school (which statistically I would not have). I did not regret them when I graduated college (which statistically I would not have). I did not regret them when I graduated graduate school (which statistically I would not have). I did not regret them when I married my husband (who I never would have traveled to grad school and met) and went on to have two beautiful little boys (which I would not have if I had not met my husband).

What I DO regret...being in the position to have to make that decision in the first place. I do regret that I was not responsible using birth control. When I was a teenager, my boyfriend and I used condoms, most of the time. My mother knew I was sexually active (I actually did tell her myself), but her strategy wasn't to take me to the OBGYN and get me on the pill, it was to tell me not to do it again. P.S. Note to other mothers: that didn't work! Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming her. My actions are my own, but I guarantee you I will approach birth control differently with my children. Even if I have to drive my sons' girlfriends to Planned Parenthood myself!

When I was 18 years old, I went to the OBGYN myself and got on the pill. And for almost 10 years I was on the pill and had NOT ONE pregnancy scare. When I was 27 years old, I went off the pill, and two months later I found out I was pregnant with twins. Birth control WORKS people!! (Don't let me get started on the whole birth control debate going on right now!)

Returning to my first statement, about the number of women I know who've had abortions: My point is it's more common than you think. I know many women who I would never dream would have had one, have whisperedly told me "I had one..." It's like this deep dark secret people don't discuss. And why would they? It's a PERSONAL matter. I don't discuss my other personal medical matters with people, so why would I discuss that?

This blog is the first time I'm going "public" with my abortions because for the sake of women's reproductive rights, maybe we need to start putting faces and stories to abortions. While I want to protect abortion rights for rape and incest victims and women facing health issues; I also want to protect that 16 year old honor student, who is captain of the debate team, plays varsity softball, and wants to be the first person in her family to go to college, who also just happens to find time to get a little frisky with her 17 year old boyfriend when she's not busy with all of her other extra curricular activities...and finds herself in a very frightening situation.

Am I saying that is what every person in my situation should do? NO! Every woman (or teenager) has to decide for HERSELF what she wants to do when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Being pro-choice doesn't mean you are pro-abortion, it's means you are pro-CHOICE. You are pro a woman/teenager being able to say 1. I want to continue this pregnancy and parent, 2. I want to continue this pregnancy and put up the baby for adoption, and 3. I do not want to continue this pregnancy. It should be HER CHOICE that she should make with her partner and her doctor.

Someone close to me who didn't know about my abortions (but will now if they read my blog) once said to me that teenage girls who got pregnant out of wedlock had to "deal with the consequences of their actions." I can't tell you how much statements like these blow my mind. You know that bumper sticker that says "It's not a choice, it's a baby"? Well how about, "It's not a consequence, it's a baby." If someone fails their driver's ed class, do you give them a brand new car? Because someone "fails" their birth control, you don't hand them a child. A life. Here, let me punish your irresponsibility by giving you a child to care for. That logic is as clear as mud!

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good mom. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm pretty darn devoted to the health, happiness, and well being of my children. I was a pretty good teenager too, but I was still incredibly selfish and self-centered. I WAS NOT ready to be a mom. Not emotionally or mentally, and damn well not financially. I pity the child who would have been raised by 16 year old Amber. (And most likely not with the help of 16 year old Amber's 17 year old boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he grew up to become a fine dad when he was much older, but would have been a "dead beat" back then for sure.)

Have plenty of other teenagers in my position made different decisions? Sure. That's their prerogative. Not everyone has to agree. But just as I can't force my will that teenagers should not have babies, and instead graduate high school, college, grad school, and then get married in their late 20s only after they have started their own career.... No one can force their belief that forces someone else to carry through with an unwanted, unhealthy, or unsupported pregnancy. This is America. We have freedoms. We have choices. And for god's sake...quit trying to take them away!!

Mom on a mission

Do. Not. Mess. With. My. Kids.

Our neighborhood is not perfect.  There are no sidewalks.  I hate that the speed limit is 30 MPH.  And there are just way too many rentals for my taste.

But I have some great neighbors!  They watch out for our house when we are out of town. They have dog-sat in a pinch when we needed to go out of town last minute.  And I love that there are lots of kids in the neighborhood.  And kids that play outside!!  In the day and age where people moan and complain that all their kids want to do is watch tv and play video games, I have two kids that are constantly playing outside with their neighbor friends.

The problem: I have one neighbor couple who likes to speed.  And I'm not talking goes 5 miles over the posted 30. I'm talking he likes to get his 4 wheeler out (illegal on our neighborhood streets BTW) and go full throttle up and down our street.  He likes to burn out when pulling out of his driveway.  And rip up and down the street in his new used-BMW going easily 50 mph.

She drives fast too, but just fast, not aggressive and obnoxious like he does.  But she still probably whips up our road going at least 40 mph.

I have no problem with this couple other than their speeding.  I have even went and talked to them about it twice.  Asking them to PLEASE slow down and obey the speed limit for the safety of the neighborhood kids and dogs that sometimes escape off leash (including HIS!).  To my face he says okay.  But actions speak louder than words, and his actions say that I can kiss his ass.

Well guess what dude? I'm pulling out some action of my own! First thing this morning, I headed down to city hall and picked up an application and petition for getting speed bumps put in our street.  Because if you can't stop being an jerk on your own, I'll get the government on my side to stop you.

And guess what jerk?  I'm not taking no for an answer!  Because I'm stopping this nonsense before someone gets hurt!

I hate that it has had to come to this.  I feel like this could have all been settled with some civil conversation and understanding (they are young and don't have kids yet, so I get why maybe they didn't realize how it would bother us old-parent-people), but the guy just isn't listening.

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And if you are wondering if we've called the police first, why yes we have.  In fact, the police were called just last night.  As I'm standing in my neighbor's yard, preparing to take a family walk, I heard a screeching sound and revving engine.  Then saw his car ripping around the corner and up our road.  He whipped into his drive way.  A few seconds later, he whipped back out, then burned out back down the street.  Another bold mother stood in the middle of the street with her hand up, yelling at him to slow down.  He actually ACCELERATED!  Then SLAMMED on this breaks.  Luckily, she jumped out of the way, otherwise he would have hit her.  Then, he jumps out of his car and starts running towards her with clenched fists shouting "I can drive as fast as I fucking want to!" and then smacks her hard, causing her mail to fly all over the road. At this point, some men from down the road started running towards him and yelling.  So he jumped back in the car and sped off, actually swerving at them as if threatening to hit them.  Then the woman he hit called the police.

When the cops got there about 10 minutes later, I gave them his name and address.  And then gave my statement for what I saw.  Then, I began my plan to get speed bumps installed.  Because if asking nicely doesn't work.  If calling the cops doesn't work.  Then by-golly freaking speed bumps should slow this creep down!