The Process of Becoming a Mom (Guest Blogger)

A few weeks ago, I asked one of my best friends if she would be willing to write a guest blog. She'd never written a blog before, and didn't really know what to write about. I said "Just write about a hard aspect of parenting. Something you think another mother in your shoes could relate to."  I suggested she tackle what it was like to be a Navy wife. Or why she longs for a big family (she is currently a mom of three and she wants one more!)  But she felt something else in her heart, and I think you'll love the topic she picked.  Even if you can't exactly relate, it's a touching, inspiring, and moving story.  Let's welcome Christie...


“Wow! That guy is hot!”  That is what I thought when I first saw my husband.

There was definitely an instant physical attraction, but there was also great conversation. His ability to make me laugh was unstoppable. We were practically inseparable from the moment we met.

From very early on, I knew in my heart he was my future, no matter what my friends said or the warnings from my parents.

My friends thought we argued too much, but I saw it as our passion for each other.

My parents said to stay away from Navy guys, because they leave you for months at a time.  But I knew I could handle it, since I had grown up watching my mom go through it with my dad always being deployed as a naval captain.

And it turned out that none of those things were what I struggled with. No, I struggled with the fact that I wasn’t the only girl in his life...and never would be.

She was beautiful, sweet, and at 2 years old, already very determined.  Zoë was his daughter, and I adored her the moment I met her.

Phil had just separated from his wife of two years and was moving to Virginia to stay. Zoë would be joining him as soon as he was settled in, and she would be living with him the majority of the time.

I was only 24, and still used to being a carefree party girl.  It was going to be a major adjustment.  And fast.  But I knew in my heart that my future was with Phil.  And I knew that if my future was with him, then it was also with her, and I needed to find a way to make it work.

It wasn’t easy.

And not only did I have an instant daughter, but I also now had an ex-wife to deal with. I put my mind to it to make it work, and decided the only thing to do was make nice with his ex. I figured the least I could do was be friendly and compassionate towards her.  Because she wasn't just Phil's ex, she was also Zoë's mother.  I tried putting myself in her shoes. I tried to imagine what she was probably going through. I knew losing her husband and her baby girl must have been devastating.

Making the effort to be nice and understanding with Zoë's mother one of the best decisions I ever made.  It really does make things so much easier for Zoë, and she is the one who matters. We continue to have a very friendly relationship to this day. I really do like who she is and respect her for what she has been through and persevered.

Nearly a year and a half after we met, Phil proposed to me on Christmas Day. I didn't have to pause for even 1 second.  I immediately said Yes! I had known for a good while that he was the one, I was just waiting patiently for him to figure it out, too! Luckily, he didn’t make me too wait long.

We married 8 months later and moved into our first place together. Less than a month after our wedding, he left for his first deployment of our marriage. He also left behind Zoë. She only stayed with me a short while before she left to stay with her mom for the rest of the deployment. I went from a family of three to being a single woman again. I couldn't believe how much I missed them both, and anxiously awaited their return.

It seemed like an eternity, but after a few months they both came back and I fell right back into my roles as wife and mother.

It wasn't easy.  I often struggled, to say the least, and questioned myself many times. But I realized that I struggled most because I was jealous of her. She got all of his attention, and I had to fight for a simple moment alone with my newly wed husband. I felt cheated that here I was wanting to be a normal newlywed, but my role as mom took precedence. I started to resent her and take it out on her.

Looking back now, I am sorry that in those days I was too quick to anger, yelled a lot, and forgot how to just have fun and love her. I was hard on her to eat perfectly, clean up after herself, behave in daycare, etc. I know now that I was being very unrealistic.

I didn't have that maternal bond with her, and I desperately wanted it. I prayed every night that I could let my frustration go and just love her. I couldn’t vent about my feelings to my husband either because it seemed he always defended her, and I needed his support. He couldn’t understand what I was going through.  He had never been a stepparent. I felt love for her, but knew I’d never be able to love her like he did.

Or so I thought at the time.

As the years went by, I found that with time and lots of patience that I did indeed grow to love her more than anything.

I now have two of my own biological children, two little boys. And I can say with certainty that my love for my daughter is no different than my love for my sons.

And I'm so thankful to Zoë.  Because she taught me more than I could have ever learned on my own about patience and unconditional love. She helped me learn when to put my foot down and when I needed to stop and just enjoy the moment. She helped me loosen up about the house. Helped me see that it's okay to let it be messy sometimes, because it can always be cleaned up later. In fact, she will help. She really is an amazing little person and I feel so blessed to have her in my life.

Zoë taught me how to be a mom.

And be a better person in general.

I can't even express how much I LOVE being a mom.  I feel like it's been my true calling all along. And I credit a lot of the kind of mom I am now to this little girl. Even though we struggled at first, and she didn’t deserve my short comings in those early years, she still loved me back unconditionally.

And I have realized that she didn’t ask for me either, but she made the most of it as well. She grew with me as I did with her. She makes my life complete and I wouldn’t want to imagine my life without her in it.

Now that my oldest son is 3 years old, I can remember back to many of the struggles I had when she was 3, and I am having the same struggles with him today. I see so clearly now that it's just the way 3 year olds are, and I was the one setting unrealistic demands on her.

But thanks to her, and the amazing relationship we now have, I know that this too shall pass and that these struggles are all worth it!


Can I just add that I am so glad Phil brought this little girl into our lives!!

To Boob or Not To Boob (Guest Blogger)

I have talked before on my blog about the hardship I experienced trying to breastfeed, and the guilt and judgment I felt/still feel for not being successful.  So, I asked my best friend (who blogs at A Jane of All Trades, Master of None), to do a guest blog on why she chose not to breastfeed.  So with that, let's welcome a wonderful woman, teacher, mother, and BFF!....

Ever since I was pregnant with my first daughter I have been plagued with the question, “Are you going to breast feed?” 

The first time someone asked me, I was barely pregnant and I was a little taken aback by this question.  I didn’t know people readily asked this question and I didn’t know it was anyone’s business.  I know I had never ever thought to ask another woman this question.

Then another person asked me. 

WHAT!?  Is this normal?

Then another person asked.

Each time I was asked, I responded with “We’re going to try.”  It seemed like the right answer and it usually stopped any further questions that concerned what my child would eat and where she would get it from. 

Deep down though, I knew I was really struggling with the thought of breastfeeding.  I knew all the health benefits.  I knew it would save us money.  I knew I would lose the weight faster, but honestly it creeped me out.

And before you judge, let me explain.  My mom had me at 17 and her number one goal in life was to make sure that NEVER happened to me.  From the time I was 12, I was told “I don’t care if you have sex, but he and you better be protected.” 

I felt like I heard this every day of my life...

And you would think with talk like that, sexuality and your body would be an open discussion in our house.  No.  It was actually quite the opposite. 

Some examples: I was not allowed to walk around in t-shirts because of my brothers.  My mom mortified me by telling her friends when I got my first period.  I once had a friend (around 13) who didn’t wear underwear to bed, and when I asked my parents about this, they practically chastised the girl and her parents.  If I wore an outfit that was maybe tight or slightly inappropriate, my aunt told me I deserved to be raped.

By the time I was actually at the age of being sexual, sex was cold for me.  I associated sex with teenage pregnancy, and I associated my body with something that needed to be secret.  To this day, I will do everything to make sure no one sees me naked.  Even my husband didn’t actually see me naked for a good while after we were already having sex.

Fast forward to January 2007.  I was 3 months out from being a mom and I still had no idea what I was going to do about breast feeding.  I had gone from “I will try” to “maybe I’ll just pump.” 

Then I visited my friend after right after delivering her baby.  While I was there it was feeding time, and she fed him without hesitation right there in front of my friend and me.  She didn’t cover herself, and honestly, she didn’t need to.  But it was in that moment that I knew I was not going to be able to do it.  I knew that I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that breastfeeding would not be possible. 

I am not disgusted by others that breastfeed.  I’m not anti-breastfeeding.  I hate that society accepts Brittney’s cleavage spilling out, but then want women to breastfeed in a restaurant bathroom.

What I disagree with is the constant judgment that I faced (and still face now with my second child).  Worse yet, I hate the judgment that women who really did try face.  And ladies, it is not the men who judge us...it is other women. Women are so mean.

And we call ourselves a sisterhood?  Really? 

Each and every mother will be faced with a point where she will know all the disadvantages and advantages of her actions, and will make the decision to do what is right for her. 

And they can call her selfish.  And they say she is a bad mother.  And they launch campaign after campaign that puts her down for her choice.  But in the end, it is her decision.  And just as I don’t want the government making decisions about my body, I don’t want my "sisterhood" deeming me unfit because of MY decisions about my body.

With my second daughter, who was born just a month ago, I have learned to say “breastfeeding didn’t work for us,” when asked if I am breast feeding.  What I really want to say though is "What did you feed your kid last night?  Was it the best possible choice?  Could you have done something else?"  Just so they get how inappropriate and not their business their question is.

Five years late, I can say that my first born is very healthy.  She has the occasional ear infection, but honestly we really only have to go to the doctor about twice a year.  She is incredibly bright and inquisitive.  And her weight is exactly on point for her height and age.  She is all of those things that the breastfeeding campaigns promise you your formula fed baby won't be.

And so maybe I didn’t lose that baby weight, but I’m okay with that.

Hormonal Decisions (Guest Blogger)

A friend of mine named Sarah, who blogs at I Love Nail Polish (you should check her out!), told me a while back about unexpected complications she'd had from having her tubes tied after her second child.  I had never heard of these complications before, so I thought it would be interesting to have her write a guest blog about her experience.  Like I said in yesterday, everybody and every body is different, what works well for some might not work well for others, and vice versa.  The key is to make informed decisions for yourself.  So with that, let's welcome Sarah!....

It’s a Girl!

With that announcement I knew Adam and I would need to discuss permanent birth control. Prior to my pregnancy with Bryce I was on “the pill” for about 7 years. Afterward, I had the Mirena IUD for 3. At my 20 week ultrasound, we learned our second child would be a girl, thus (for us) completing our little family. At my next OB/GYN appointment, Adam and I talked briefly with the doc that this baby would be our last. The OB/GYN practice I was using had several practitioners; each patient was required to have an appointment with each doctor. At every appointment we explained to each doctor that this would be our last baby. One doctor suggested the Essure procedure. Essure is a permanent birth control procedure that works with your body to create a natural barrier to prevent pregnancy. To find out more about Essure, ask your OB/GYN and visit www.essure.com.

For me the cons of Essure were:

• It would mean an additional OB/GYN visit.
• Additional cost, as it was not approved by my insurance.
• I’d never heard of it before and it looked strange. (I wasn’t exactly excited to have inserted into my vagina what looked a whole lot like mattress springs, just on a smaller scale.)

The other choice in permanent birth control was a tubal ligation (AKA having my tubes tied). So, that was that. I honestly didn’t ask a whole lot of questions, with only two options tubal ligation seemed to me to be the “only” choice.

Courtesy of theprickcushion.com

What I understood about having my tubes tied was

• It’s 99% effective.
• It could be done immediately after giving birth to Maggie.
• It is covered 100% by insurance.
• It is “permanent,” unless one decided to have a reversal.
• It is the most common form of birth control among married women.

What I didn’t know, but found out later

• Post tubal ligation syndrome is more prevalent than the medical community will admit.
• Afterward, most women need some kind of hormonal support, in the way of hormone replacement therapy or birth control pills.
• Many women experience emotional changes so severe their mood can only be improved with anti depressant treatment.

My personal experience is not one of regret because I am no longer able to have children; the regret stems from not educating myself or exploring other options. It turns out that tubal ligation is more costly and has more complications than a vasectomy. Looking back, continuing use of the Mirena may have been a good solution until we thoroughly researched all of our options. Since having the tubal ligation in May of 2009 my body has gone into what my doc is calling “early menopause.” At the age of 32 it was the last thing I thought I’d be experiencing. My OB/GYN recommended hormone replacement or I could try taking birth control pills to see if they helped. I wasn’t going to take birth control pills; why should I pay for more birth control and put anymore hormones into my system? Instead, I suffer terrible night sweats and hot flashes so severe they send my coworkers searching for sweaters to escape the frigid temps in my office. Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome (PTS) is not something I ever heard or read about prior to my own experience. PTS results from a rapid decline in estrogen levels due from the blood supply being damaged to the ovaries during the TL surgery.

Symptoms of PTS are:

1. Eptopic pregnancy or pregnancy-I was unaware of the number of women who experience these following a TL.

1a.Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling, chills

2. Bouts of rapid heart beat

3. Irritability

4. Mood swings, sudden tears (I’ve been on Zoloft since my pregnancy, without it, I am mush)

5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)

6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles

7. Loss of libido (not having this)

8. Dry vagina (or this)

8a.Itchy vagina-at time raw like, can radiated from whole area, with absence of yeast infections. (or this)

8b. Color change in vaginal area. (color gets darker - purple/black) (or this)

9. Crashing fatigue (sometimes)

10.Anxiety, feeling ill at ease (for real)

11.Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom (again without the Zoloft I’m a wreck)

12.Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion (seriously!)

13.Disturbing memory lapses (yeppers)

14.Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence (hmmm, this is particularly bothersome)

14a.Prolapse of uterus do to rapid decress in estrogen levels.

15.Itchy, crawly skin (not experiencing this)

16.Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

17.Increased tension in muscles

18.Breast tenderness (not this one either)

18a. Decrease in breast mass (definitely no trouble here)

19.Headache change: increase or decrease

20.Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea (yep, had to have my first colonscopy due to blood in my stool and vomiting blood)

21.Sudden bouts of bloat --sucks

22.Depression (Zoloft, 200 mg PO QD)

23.Exacerbation of existing conditions --??

24.Increase in allergies --yes

25.Weight gain (everything “except Weight Watchers” makes me gain weight..primarily food is the culprit though)

26.Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair (…ewe glad I’m not experiencing this)

27.Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance –yep this is scary

28.Changes in body odor –I don’t think so

29.Electric "shock" or "stabbing" sensation under the skin. --nah

30.Tingling in the extremities, --nah

31.Gum problems, increased bleeding --nah

32.Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor --nah

33.Osteoporosis (after several years)

34.Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier –nah

If those life changing symptoms aren’t enough to scare a person out of having a tubal ligation I’m not sure what would be. However, the beauty of living in the U.S. is that women are able to make these decisions for ourselves. And we do have options. It’s too late for my hormonal mess, but do yourself (and your spouse) a favor and do a lot of research, ask other women, talk to your doctor(s) and explore every option available.