It's my choice

I'm sick of all this rhetoric surrounding abortion that focuses in on exceptions for rape and incest, because the fact of the matter is the majority of women I know have admitted to me that they, at one point in their life, have had an abortion, and not one of the women I personally know told me it was a result of rape or incest. 

Yes, women and girls who are victim of rape and incest sometimes end up pregnant and sometimes that pregnancy will end in an abortion. And those women should be protected. No questions. However, I feel like this defense always subtly implies that those are the only truly valid and legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy. I believe in my heart that there are many, many, many legitimate reasons to terminate. #1 Because the pregnancy is detrimental to the mother's health and/or puts the mother's life at risk. #2 Because there is something very wrong with the baby. #3 The mother isn't financially, emotionally, or mentally capable of having the baby. #4 The mother simply doesn't want to have a/another child. (And I'm sure plenty other good reasons I don't even know about.)

Let me be very frank: I have had two abortions. I had one in the Spring of 1995 when I was 16 years old. And because not only was I young and dumb enough to think it "can't happen to me", I was young and dumb enough to think lightening wouldn't strike twice...so I had another one in the Spring of 1996 when I was 17 years old.

Many pro-life activists insist abortions are unhealthy for women because they affect their mental health due to living with terrible regret and guilt for the rest of their lives. Let me make this clear: I do not, and have never regretted my abortions. I did not regret them when I graduated high school (which statistically I would not have). I did not regret them when I graduated college (which statistically I would not have). I did not regret them when I graduated graduate school (which statistically I would not have). I did not regret them when I married my husband (who I never would have traveled to grad school and met) and went on to have two beautiful little boys (which I would not have if I had not met my husband).

What I DO regret...being in the position to have to make that decision in the first place. I do regret that I was not responsible using birth control. When I was a teenager, my boyfriend and I used condoms, most of the time. My mother knew I was sexually active (I actually did tell her myself), but her strategy wasn't to take me to the OBGYN and get me on the pill, it was to tell me not to do it again. P.S. Note to other mothers: that didn't work! Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming her. My actions are my own, but I guarantee you I will approach birth control differently with my children. Even if I have to drive my sons' girlfriends to Planned Parenthood myself!

When I was 18 years old, I went to the OBGYN myself and got on the pill. And for almost 10 years I was on the pill and had NOT ONE pregnancy scare. When I was 27 years old, I went off the pill, and two months later I found out I was pregnant with twins. Birth control WORKS people!! (Don't let me get started on the whole birth control debate going on right now!)

Returning to my first statement, about the number of women I know who've had abortions: My point is it's more common than you think. I know many women who I would never dream would have had one, have whisperedly told me "I had one..." It's like this deep dark secret people don't discuss. And why would they? It's a PERSONAL matter. I don't discuss my other personal medical matters with people, so why would I discuss that?

This blog is the first time I'm going "public" with my abortions because for the sake of women's reproductive rights, maybe we need to start putting faces and stories to abortions. While I want to protect abortion rights for rape and incest victims and women facing health issues; I also want to protect that 16 year old honor student, who is captain of the debate team, plays varsity softball, and wants to be the first person in her family to go to college, who also just happens to find time to get a little frisky with her 17 year old boyfriend when she's not busy with all of her other extra curricular activities...and finds herself in a very frightening situation.

Am I saying that is what every person in my situation should do? NO! Every woman (or teenager) has to decide for HERSELF what she wants to do when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Being pro-choice doesn't mean you are pro-abortion, it's means you are pro-CHOICE. You are pro a woman/teenager being able to say 1. I want to continue this pregnancy and parent, 2. I want to continue this pregnancy and put up the baby for adoption, and 3. I do not want to continue this pregnancy. It should be HER CHOICE that she should make with her partner and her doctor.

Someone close to me who didn't know about my abortions (but will now if they read my blog) once said to me that teenage girls who got pregnant out of wedlock had to "deal with the consequences of their actions." I can't tell you how much statements like these blow my mind. You know that bumper sticker that says "It's not a choice, it's a baby"? Well how about, "It's not a consequence, it's a baby." If someone fails their driver's ed class, do you give them a brand new car? Because someone "fails" their birth control, you don't hand them a child. A life. Here, let me punish your irresponsibility by giving you a child to care for. That logic is as clear as mud!

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good mom. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm pretty darn devoted to the health, happiness, and well being of my children. I was a pretty good teenager too, but I was still incredibly selfish and self-centered. I WAS NOT ready to be a mom. Not emotionally or mentally, and damn well not financially. I pity the child who would have been raised by 16 year old Amber. (And most likely not with the help of 16 year old Amber's 17 year old boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he grew up to become a fine dad when he was much older, but would have been a "dead beat" back then for sure.)

Have plenty of other teenagers in my position made different decisions? Sure. That's their prerogative. Not everyone has to agree. But just as I can't force my will that teenagers should not have babies, and instead graduate high school, college, grad school, and then get married in their late 20s only after they have started their own career.... No one can force their belief that forces someone else to carry through with an unwanted, unhealthy, or unsupported pregnancy. This is America. We have freedoms. We have choices. And for god's sake...quit trying to take them away!!

I should clarify

Regarding my last blog:  Do Unto Others



I should clarify, because I don't think this was made clear the way I wrote it (based on some feedback)...

I was not upset DURING my pregnancy/post-pregnancy.  Honestly, I'm very independent, so I really just assumed we'd be doing everything ourselves without help.  It was only after my pregnancy/had the boys and that I noticed all of these request for other people that I started to think Why do I need to make a casserole for someone just because they had a baby...no one made casseroles for us, and we still managed to eat.  And then before I knew it, it seemed like everyone I knew was getting meal trains for everything.  THAT is when I started feeling jealous and wondering why it seemed like everyone in the world got them but me.

And with the baby showers, again, I just assumed we'd be getting the things our kids needed, so I didn't care at the time that I wasn't thrown a shower.  (And for the record, I did have a registry online and I had lots of friends and family send us gifts either from the registry or hand me downs of things they had on the registry, I just didn't get the joyous party with cake part).  It wasn't until long after, seeing most everyone else not only getting one shower, but showers with every baby.  When I would go to showers, I just get jealous that I never had that special experience.

(Oh, and I maintain not liking showers for subsequent babies, except of course in cases like a big gap between children, or oops pregnancies after you thought you were done and had gotten rid of your baby stuff.  But just because I don't like them doesn't mean I judge you if you've had one.  And, p.s. I always give my friends presents for the subsequent babies too...I just don't like the idea of showering them with all new expensive equipment and stuff just because they want a different color, etc. It just seems like wasteful and unnecessary to me.  But that is obviously just my opinion.  And opinions are like assholes. )

The only thing I wished differently DURING the actual process was that more people would come visit...but that was just because I was crazy lonely.  Like almost literally going crazy from laying in the bed all day.  Superman even wrote a blog post (that he wisely did not show me until much later) that he was becoming concerned for my mental health.  The RATIONAL part of me understood why my friends and family who lived hundreds miles away didn't come visit but instead supported me through countless phone calls, emails, cards, care packages, sending flowers, etc...  But it was that other side.  The poor-me, selfish, ungrateful side that wanted them there in the flesh, regardless of the cost or inconvenience.  I can sit here and rationally understand why they didn't...but that doesn't mean I wanted it any less.  Or that I love them any less because they didn't.

I guess the point of my blog is that we all have demons.  Just a few of mine are these terrible thoughts I have (I have used this blog to openly discuss others in the past also)...but it's what we DO with them.  Instead of letting those evil thoughts take hold and not doing anything for others because I'm jealous those things weren't done for me...I still GLADLY make the casseroles or attend the baby showers, etc.  I don't do it out of obligation or because I feel like I owe it to anyone for any reason, I do it because I genuinely want to help and support them, and I know that anyone in their same situation would appreciate it.

So, in closing:  I love my friends.  They are wonderful and were wonderfully supportive of me the best way they could be at the time (especially the ones who were themselves pregnant at the time).  But it doesn't mean I don't have the occasional pity party that I had had all of the things that I now see other women having.  I'm only human.

But the main take away I was trying to leave was this: Don't be a jerk.  Just because something wasn't done for you, don't begrudge other people for it.  Don't NOT do something for someone just because no one did it for you.  Make sure to do it because you know its the right thing to do, and you know it would make them happy, as you know it would have made you.

Don't get mad at people for having what you didn't have.  Especially if you call them a friend.  You should just be happy for them that they have (at least one thing) easier than you did!! :)

Do unto others

Sometimes I astound myself with my selfish and ungrateful thoughts.

Whenever I get an email asking for volunteers to help someone in a time of need, my first thought is “I should help.”  Then my second thought is usually: “Actually why should I?  No one helped me when I was in the similar situation.”  Then my next thought is “You are a terrible person! You should do onto others as you would have liked others to do onto you.

It like when I was on bedrest… I was on bedrest for 4 months.  That is 16 weeks.  115 days to be precise.  I couldn’t get up to make myself a sandwich.  Heck I was barely allowed to use the bathroom.  Yet do you know how many visitors I got?  8.  (Well, 14 if you count spouses and children.)

1. Superman of course was there for the 4 weeks I was at home, and came to the hospital every day.  (Although he never once stayed the night with me…not even on the weekends) 
2. My aunt and uncle came to stay with me for a weekend when I was still at home while Superman had to go out of town. 
3. My friend from college came to visit me at home when she was in town for business. 
4. My MIL and FIL visited once at home and three times when I was in the hospital.
5.  A friend from grad school/colleague came to the hospital twice, each time she brought one of the following women with her: 
6. A friend/colleague 
7. A friend/colleague
8.  My cousin and his wife and their three kids (including their set of twin boys) showed up as a surprise on Easter day, because they were in town visiting her family.

I get that people are busy and that travel is expensive and time consuming, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I was really disappointed that over a course of 16 weeks laid up in bed, not being able to go anywhere or do anything, that I only had 8 visitors.

So now whenever I hear of someone going on bedrest for a pregnancy, even if I don’t know them.  I try to help some way.  If they live far away, I send them a message of support (with ideas of things I did to help pass the time and keep from going crazy).  But if they live nearby, I offer to come visit them.  In fact, last year someone I knew on facebook set up a meal delivery calendar for her friend, and I signed up to bring them a meal.  I signed up to bring a perfect stranger a meal, and I ended up sitting and talking with her for about an hour.  Because rather than give into my selfish feelings of “no one made any meals for us when I was on bedrest” I decided to do unto others as I would have liked them to do unto me.

Once I had my babies, it didn’t get any better.  I had even less visitors!  Visitors I had when/after the baby was born:

1.  My parents and brother came for the birth
2.  MIL and FIL came for the birth and about came about once a month for the next 6 months or so
3. My aunt came for the birth
4.  My sister came for a week when they were 6 weeks old

That’s it.  Forget people dropping by with casseroles or presents.  That was it.

So again, when I hear of someone organizing a meal train for a friend or acquaintance that just had a baby, I think: “Are you kidding me?!?! I had TWINS and no one ever brought us dinner over.” But then I have to silence that little selfish voice and remember that I have to do onto others as I would have liked others to do unto me.

And I have to remind myself to quit being ungrateful, and instead of focusing on who didn’t come…focus instead on who did!  Really appreciate them and let them know I appreciated them.

Oh, and don’t get me started on baby showers.  Never had one.  No one even offered.  Now, most of the time, this doesn't bother me, because honestly I was extremely blessed with hand-me downs (special thanks to my cousin and his wife who had twins two years before us) and have a shop-aholic and yard sale crazy MIL who was more than happy to buy every matching outfits she came across. And really, I preferred receiving hand me downs on baby items that you only use for a few weeks/months over anyone (even if it isn’t me) spending $100s of dollars on them new.  But it’s not the thought of the actual presents so much as the fact that NO ONE OFFERED.

A friend of mine from college had a baby a few years after Thing 1 and Thing 2 were born.  Like me, she lived in an area far away from friends and family…so her friends threw her a virtual baby shower online.  It was very unique and definitely incredibly thoughtful.  I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been jealous no one had offered to do something similar for me.

So when I see women being super picky on their baby shower registries.  Must be this brand.  Must be this color. Must be this theme.  Blah blah blah. I’m like “Bitch, just be happy I’m buying you ANYTHING because lord knows you didn’t buy me jack-shit when I had my TWO babies.”  (Sorry, cursing is necessary, because this is what goes through my head.)

And don’t get me started on second baby showers.  The whole point of showers is to shower new parents with things to get them ready for a baby…you’ve never had a baby before so you don’t have a crib, or a high chair, or diapers, etc.  But once you’ve had one baby…you don’t need another shower.  You got your shower.  You had people buy you hundreds of dollars’ worth of new (because you are too good for used) baby shit.  USE THAT!  Yes, you can use that same crib.  Yes, you can put your baby girl into a blue car seat/highchair/stroller…if you are worried about people “not being able to tell it’s a girl” how about #1 covering her head to toe with pink or #2 not giving a fuck (do you think little Susie will be scarred for life if people mistakenly say “he is such a pretty baby” when she is less than 1 years old and can’t even talk yet?  Hint: she won’t be, because she #1 Doesn't understand English and #2 WON’T REMEMBER IT!

So obviously I still have these feelings of selfishness, ungratefulness, and being judgmental.  I’m dealing with them.  And I’m also dealing with the question of “Am I just a sucky friend/person that my friends and family don’t care enough to offer to do things for me the way that other people do for their friends and family?”  Maybe that’s it.  Maybe the problem is me...

Meanwhile, I keep trying to suppress these unhealthy feelings and focus on not doing to others as was done to me, but instead doing unto others as I would have liked have been done for me.  Maybe in the end it will make me a better person and friend.  Maybe it will encourage others to pass on kindness shown to them.  Or maybe it won’t do anything, except make me feel better helping someone else out during their time of need.  I'd be okay with that.

To Boob or Not To Boob (Guest Blogger)

I have talked before on my blog about the hardship I experienced trying to breastfeed, and the guilt and judgment I felt/still feel for not being successful.  So, I asked my best friend (who blogs at A Jane of All Trades, Master of None), to do a guest blog on why she chose not to breastfeed.  So with that, let's welcome a wonderful woman, teacher, mother, and BFF!....

Ever since I was pregnant with my first daughter I have been plagued with the question, “Are you going to breast feed?” 

The first time someone asked me, I was barely pregnant and I was a little taken aback by this question.  I didn’t know people readily asked this question and I didn’t know it was anyone’s business.  I know I had never ever thought to ask another woman this question.

Then another person asked me. 

WHAT!?  Is this normal?

Then another person asked.

Each time I was asked, I responded with “We’re going to try.”  It seemed like the right answer and it usually stopped any further questions that concerned what my child would eat and where she would get it from. 

Deep down though, I knew I was really struggling with the thought of breastfeeding.  I knew all the health benefits.  I knew it would save us money.  I knew I would lose the weight faster, but honestly it creeped me out.

And before you judge, let me explain.  My mom had me at 17 and her number one goal in life was to make sure that NEVER happened to me.  From the time I was 12, I was told “I don’t care if you have sex, but he and you better be protected.” 

I felt like I heard this every day of my life...

And you would think with talk like that, sexuality and your body would be an open discussion in our house.  No.  It was actually quite the opposite. 

Some examples: I was not allowed to walk around in t-shirts because of my brothers.  My mom mortified me by telling her friends when I got my first period.  I once had a friend (around 13) who didn’t wear underwear to bed, and when I asked my parents about this, they practically chastised the girl and her parents.  If I wore an outfit that was maybe tight or slightly inappropriate, my aunt told me I deserved to be raped.

By the time I was actually at the age of being sexual, sex was cold for me.  I associated sex with teenage pregnancy, and I associated my body with something that needed to be secret.  To this day, I will do everything to make sure no one sees me naked.  Even my husband didn’t actually see me naked for a good while after we were already having sex.

Fast forward to January 2007.  I was 3 months out from being a mom and I still had no idea what I was going to do about breast feeding.  I had gone from “I will try” to “maybe I’ll just pump.” 

Then I visited my friend after right after delivering her baby.  While I was there it was feeding time, and she fed him without hesitation right there in front of my friend and me.  She didn’t cover herself, and honestly, she didn’t need to.  But it was in that moment that I knew I was not going to be able to do it.  I knew that I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that breastfeeding would not be possible. 

I am not disgusted by others that breastfeed.  I’m not anti-breastfeeding.  I hate that society accepts Brittney’s cleavage spilling out, but then want women to breastfeed in a restaurant bathroom.

What I disagree with is the constant judgment that I faced (and still face now with my second child).  Worse yet, I hate the judgment that women who really did try face.  And ladies, it is not the men who judge us...it is other women. Women are so mean.

And we call ourselves a sisterhood?  Really? 

Each and every mother will be faced with a point where she will know all the disadvantages and advantages of her actions, and will make the decision to do what is right for her. 

And they can call her selfish.  And they say she is a bad mother.  And they launch campaign after campaign that puts her down for her choice.  But in the end, it is her decision.  And just as I don’t want the government making decisions about my body, I don’t want my "sisterhood" deeming me unfit because of MY decisions about my body.

With my second daughter, who was born just a month ago, I have learned to say “breastfeeding didn’t work for us,” when asked if I am breast feeding.  What I really want to say though is "What did you feed your kid last night?  Was it the best possible choice?  Could you have done something else?"  Just so they get how inappropriate and not their business their question is.

Five years late, I can say that my first born is very healthy.  She has the occasional ear infection, but honestly we really only have to go to the doctor about twice a year.  She is incredibly bright and inquisitive.  And her weight is exactly on point for her height and age.  She is all of those things that the breastfeeding campaigns promise you your formula fed baby won't be.

And so maybe I didn’t lose that baby weight, but I’m okay with that.

Motorcycles & vaginas

I would never give anyone motorcyle advice.

I don't own a motorcycle, nor have I ever driven one.  I have, however, ridden on a few.

But having ridden shotgun (does this apply to riding passenger on motorcyles too?) a time or two does not make me an expert.   If I started spouting out my opinion on how to take care of your motorcycle, you would tell me to shut-the-front-door.  And you'd have every right, because unless I owned a motorcycle myself, I really can't know what I'm talking about.

So, to all the men out there, please keep your opinions on child birth to yourself.  You do not have a vagina.  Sure, you may have ridden one a time or two, but until you actually have one, you really have no idea.

A man I know posted a link to an article about the pros and cons of using epidurals during child birth.  He's a nice guy, and I know his intentions weren't malicious (his wife is pregnant).  But I just couldn't help myself to reply "So I take it when you get pregnant, you will not use an epidural."  Because c'mon guy, how can you truly have an opinion on natural child birth vs. medicated child birth if you NEVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH CHILD BIRTH!

Heck, I know quite a few women who have said they wouldn't use drugs when they gave birth, but once they were a few centimeters dilated and the waves of contractions were coming right on top of each other after hours and hours of labor, they changed their tune.  I just don't think anyone, man or woman, knows what they'll do until they get there.

And honestly, I don't even have much opinion on the subject myself.  Yes, I have a vagina, but I had one pregnancy and my doctor started preparing me for my planned c-section right about the same time I found out I was having twins.  To me, my opinion is: You know your pain threshold.  You know whether you like to tough out sicknesses or take the meds.  You know YOUR body.  If you want the epidural, get the freaking epidural.  If you'd rather go au natural, then bonne chance ma soeur. À chacun son goût.

But remember this, you don't get a medal for not using drugs.  At the end of it all, you just get a baby, just like every other women...vaginal or c-section, epidural or sans epidural...the result is the same.  Do what you need to do to get that baby out safely and into your arms.  And let other mothers worry about their own vaginas.

Peace.

3 weeks late

I'm late.

Three weeks late.

I'm not the most regular ever, at least not one of those exactly 28 days people.  More like 26-30 days, give or take a day.  But it's been almost 7 weeks since my last period.

I don't have any pregnancy symptoms, but I took a test last week just to be sure.  Negative.  Whew!

But a week has passed.  Nothing.

I called my OBGYN today to make sure I shouldn't be too worried about the truant menses (images of cervical cancer and endometriosis were flashing in my head), and he said as long as I have no other symptoms (pain, bloating, etc) that I shouldn't worry.  In fact, he offered to write me a prescription for a med to kick start my stalled out cycle if it doesn't come in about a week.  He said these things just happen sometimes.

This whole episode just got me thinking about how much I don't want another baby.

It took me a long time to come to this definitive decision.  The first year or two after Thing 1 and Thing 2 were born, I still had small secret dreams of trying one more time for a little She-Thing.  Superman thought I was bonkers.  And he constantly reminded me of the months of bedrest to try and deter my thoughts.  But I just couldn't shake my desire to hold a little pink bundle of joy.

Fast forward a few years.

#1 Thing 1 and 2 are so independent.  They can dress themselves, feed themselves, entertain themselves, and are potty trained.  It is so nice to be in this advanced toddler stage, where all we really have to do is play and have fun with our little imps!  I really cannot fathom going back to a baby that is fully and wholly dependent on us for everything.  Blah!

#2 Superman is back at work now.  We were incredibly lucky that things worked out during those first three years with the boys to have him be able to stay at home with them, but after three years, he was really ready to get back in the classroom.  And it would break my heart to have to put a baby in full time daycare.  I just couldn't do it.

#3 Kids are freaking expensive!  I honestly do not understand how families in similar financial groups as us have 3, 4, 5 kids!  Do they have cars?  Do they eat?

So in summary...babies are cute.  But they are a lot of work, responsibility, and cost a lot of money.  If we were rich, and money were no object, and I could afford to stay home, maybe I would still be pining away for something sugar and spice and everything nice.  But for right now...I am very content with my frogs and snails and puppy dog tails.